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Mighty Mariner Week 1

By: The Mighty Mariner
Date: 15/08/2000

The Mighty Mariner's Weekly Diary

Sat 5th AugDown the Park for 9.15 today. Trying out the Mighty Mariner outfit. I can't believe I got the job. Free games all year and I get twenty quid for prancing around a bit. Yippee. Mind you, wished I hadn't drunk so much lager last night or had that king prawn chow mein, this foam outfit makes me look positively fat. I can see know why last years apprentices gave 'Mighty' the nickname 'Ashcroft'.
Sun 6thHad a lie in, read papers. All the bookies are predicting town for the drop. Have they no faith? Practised me latest 'Mighty' moves on the back lawn, I can't get that Cruyff shimmy quite right though with these 18 inch long foam boots on.
Mon 7thWoke up with a rash. Must be all the sweat down in me nether regions. That must be what the commercial manager meant when he said "Beware the Betty Swollocks". Best get some zinc and castor oil cream for that.
Tues 8thHad a row with the girlfriend. She doesn't believe the rash is from the suit and thinks I've been playing away from home. I told her that I was a town fan so what chance did I have of scoring at anytime, let alone away from home. WeII I thought it was funny. She thew a mug at me though and as I ducked it went through my portable TV screen. At this rate it'll be 4 months of prancing around the park before my twenty quids have paid for creams and a new telly.
Wed 9thAll quiet today. Someone in the pub said they'd heard a rumour that I was the new Mighty Mariner but I convinced them otherwise. Cost me three pints though. Can I afford this job!! Got home and the girlfriend had left me.
Thurs 10thIt's getting exciting now. 2 days to kick off. Can't wait. I only fell over twice today while practising, mind you I have to do it in the dark at midnight in case anyone sees me. Missing the girlfriend.
Fri 11thPolice called today. Some neighbour reported an odd bloke prowling around my garden. Apparently he was 7 foot tall and looked about 25 stone. I told police that Mrs Newton next door drank a lot of Whisky and they went away happy. Better be more careful.
Sat 12thYES!! Kick off day. Got to the ground early. Had to make 3 calls on my mobile and shout a lot before an office girl came out and told the gateman who I was. He eventually believed her and let me in. Mind you some bloke called Jeffrey was still there shouting about being a player when I finally got in. What some people will do to get a free game eh? I tried all me moves today, the slow walk down the touchline, the soft shoe shuffle along the half way line, the wave to the crowd. Easy Peasy. I just have this horrible feeling my head is going to fall off when I move too fast. The game was crap and we lost 2-1. Ah well, my final whistle victory cartwheel will have to wait for another time. Wished I'd brought a change of Tea-shirt and shreddies. I feel a serious bout of the Betty's coming on. Car seat was soaking when I got home at last.
Sun 13thGod I'm stiff. I can't believe a bit of prancing about in that outfit can be so knackering, mind you it is hellish heavy. At least the girlfriend is back. She realised what I said was the truth after helping me rub the cream in last night. Quite an experience to look forward to in future methinks!! There ARE advantages to this job.
Mon 14thNo home game for a while now so a chance to get fitter. I've joined the body studio to get stronger and 'stage one' theatre school to learn a few dance routines. There'll be no stopping me now.

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