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The Gospel According To Grimsby Town
By: Bill Osborne
OUR religious affairs reporter was dispatched to the weird windswept flatlands of the East Coast this week in order to witness the unearthing of an extraordinary artefact at Grimsby Town FC's Blundell Park ground that could shake the Christian World to its very foundations.
We received a tip off from Grimsby's Head Groundsman Mike Phillips that the Blundell Park turf was about to give up an ancient version of the Bible that was buried along with its author, a merchant fisherman who plied his trade back in the third century AD. The text was written in an early Lincolnshire version of Sanskrit, but experts at the Grimsby College of Technology have carefully pieced together the information, a digest of which is provided below:
1:1 - In the beginning God created Blundell Park.
1:2 - Now Blundell Park was almost empty on a Saturday Afternoon, and darkness was across the face of the pitch due to a problem with the floodlights. Then Lawrie McMenemy said 'Let there be light!' and the floodlights were fixed and Mr. McMenemy saw that the light was good.
4:4 - And McMenemy walked to the top of Mount Isaacs Hill and God said unto him "Lawrie, I give to thee these tablets of stone upon which are written ten commandments. These include 'Thou shalt not perform too well away from home' and 'Thou shalt not have a hope in hell of getting beyond the third round in the FA Cup' and other shit like that."
4:5 - And McMenemy looked tired and said "Give me a break God I have a headache". And God looked down upon Lawrie and said "Keep taking the tablets."
4:6 - And McMenemy came down from Mount Isaacs Hill and led his children out of the old Fourth Division and into the old Third Division, stopping off to part the Humber and lead his children into the Promised Land, which was Hull, although some of them didn't like the locals.
14:10 - And in the year 1989 the blessed Alan Buckley did request that the multitude do sit upon the grass so that he could feed them. "But Lord" they said "we only have one piece of battered cod and a round of bread and butter from Hobsons chippy, how can you feed the 5000 (best gate of the season)?" "Don't worry lads" said Buckley "you will be nourished by a startling cup run".
14:11 - And so it came to pass that Grimsby Town FC did well in the Cup that year. And all about were happy and waved their inflatable Harry Haddocks like there was no tomorrow until they got beaten 3-1 by Wimbledon.
13:30 - And in the mid 1990s a Roman called Ivano Bonetti was brought into the side and he did request Â£50,000 a week as payment or he'd go home. And Brian Laws, son of Alan Buckley did sit about Mr Yeung's Chinese restaurant with His disciples but the Roman did have an argument and Laws did smite him with a chicken portion.
23:31 - And His disciples implored "Forgive Laws, for he knows not what he does."
23:32 - And Laws did bugger off shortly thereafter and was later resurrected at Scunthorpe.
22:10 - And following the miracle of Anfield where Jevons did lift the ball over Kirkland from 40 yards there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth when the team were denied a game against Satan and all his little red devils from Manchester. But Lennie Lawrence did smack his lips at the prospect of going to Highbury, where he could take the fans' eyes off the perilous league position.
22:11 - And it is written that shortly the boys in black and white were like lambs to the slaughter against Arsenal. Here endeth the lesson
To be continued...
Reproduced by permission of The Commentary Box www.thecommentarybox.co.uk
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