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18/10 Colchester Part 2

By: Tony Butcher
Date: 19/10/2003

ANDERSON was quite chipper during the first half, with Gilbertain dribbles and pinging cross field passes. The interplay between him and Barnard was lovely to behold, being several notches above the unpalatable gruel served up elsewhere.

Home > 2003-2004 Season > Reports > Colchester (h)

Grimsby Town 2 Colchester United 0
18 Oct 2003, Nationwide League Division 2

Nothing much came of these moments, just hints of future danger. A couple of Barnard crosses fizzed through the area, Anderson had a couple of dribbles which threatened. Almost moments. A header! Well, let me rephrase that. The ball hit Onuroa’s head. A cross from the right curled into the near post, perhaps 12 yards out. Onuroa reached the ball before the defender and firmly, and fruitily, headed 21 yards wide. After about 20 minutes (yep, 20 minutes have simply flown by haven’t they), Edwards cunningly disguised a high pass to Anderson as a comically sliced miss-kick down the touchline. Anderson controlled the ball, spun around and flipped a perfectly weighted pass further down the line. Boulding bounded on boldly where no man had gone before, reaching the ball near the corner flag and caressing a pass towards the middle of the goal. Campbell raced into a huge gap just outside the penalty area and swept a shot goalwards. Now if Colchester had stayed in their luxury B&B, snaffling a second helping of chicken and beans, then a goal may, perhaps, have resulted. Brown saved without fuss or fervour. Nice mover though. A little later a Town corner, from the right, was rolled slowly, slowly, slowly towards a spot 25 yards out in the middle of the goal. Anderson sprinted forward and sidefooted a weak shot that spun a yard or so wide of the right hand post, clutching his side as he turned away.

After about 23 minutes Edwards waited for a high ball behind a Colchester player, who backed into him. Edwards fell, clutching his head, and there was a five minute delay as he received treatment and then ran off down the players’ tunnel. The match was delayed even further as the referee insisted that the pool of blood be covered up, so we had to wait for a man and a bucket, although it looked more like a Christmas novelty biscuit tin (large family size). Something strange happened during this long, long break. The Town crowd started to chant, to sing, to get a mood going. Led by the Mighty Mariner (who, it is claimed, has a big fan somewhere in this world), geed on by Groves, a rolling rumble of noise began and hardly waned. Edwards never came back and Ford was sent on, thus ensuring Edwards could have first dibs on the choccy biscuits. Ford’s first touch was a deflection to clear the ball as a Colchester striker lurked at the far post. Town’s defence had, as usual, had a kip whilst there was a break in play and hadn’t set the alarm clock. After this moment I can’t recall Colchester getting sufficiently close to Davison to sniff his gloves. They got worse and worse as the game went on, a bit like Orson Wells, all the best bits (for them) were at the beginning.

Anderson swivelled, swayed and glided past three defenders before hitting a dipping volley into the arms of the middle aged man sat in seat N66, which, for the sake of clarity in these litigious times, was not Simon Brown, the Colchester ‘keeper. No sir, Simon Brown wore a lime green top which clashed awfully with his luminous team-mates. Why, oh, why isn’t compulsory colour co-ordination in the FIFA regulations? Getting the feeling the football was rotten? The peripherals were far more interesting than the dire dross served up. A period of Town pressure saw crosses flip in from left then right, with Anderson stealing in at the far post. He controlled the ball on his chest and laid a pass back to Barnard who steamed forward, had glorious memories of the Millennium Stadium and thwacked a rising smacker onto the underside of the Pontoon roof, which, at least, is lower than the Millennium Stadium roof.

Craneyellow card


Ford27 mins
Crowe45 mins
Cas70 mins


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His lips moved and we could see what he was saying. He demanded Botox treatment? A couple of minutes later an Anderson dinker from the left sailed through the penalty area to Onuora, about six yards out at the far post. Onoura dunked his head like a donut and the ball grazed his shiny pate, slipping a yard wide of the left hand post. He’d have been better off standing still and closing his eyes, which is the usual Town striker’s way. Hasn’t he received any coaching?

Roll on half time, please. Some people have trains to catch. After about 40 minutes a throw in under the Stones/Smiths/Findus stand was knocked back to Barnard who then hit a flat, dipping, curling cross beyond the far post. The goalkeeper flapped and the ball flopped off ONUORA’s head and apologised as it crawled into the empty net. Onoura was two or three yards beyond the post, and only a yard or so out, so we must at least congratulate him on the aim. A couple of minutes later Ford limped off, being replaced by Crowe, who played at centre half. Are Town determined to recreate seaside summer acts of yore? A few weeks ago we had the Chuckle Brothers, now it was Little and Large, with Sid Crowe and Eddie Crane, the birds of a feather in the heart of defence.

That was the first half really, unless you want the details of men falling over, or Boulding looking up and deliberately crossing 20 yards above and behind the nearest Town player, or a series of descriptions of Colchester players kicking the ball out of play. The theory emerged that they were mistaking the stewards for team-mates. Or that they were useless. How charitable do you feel? Brown was the worst culprit, a man with seemingly no ability to kick a football, he almost passed to Boulding when fly kicking, and regularly found that Lever Spot in the Lower Smiths/Stones/Findus, about 30 yards out, two rows back. Oh, and of course there was the handball that the referee ignored, when a cross from the Town left drifted over a central defender and rolled down Myers’ right arm. But why should we expect the referee to penalise handball, he’d held his telescope to his eyepatch throughout the half. The Colchester fans had demanded a penalty just after Edwards’ injury when Andrews was clamped by Davison and Crane (or possibly Barnard), when briefly unmarked and about to shoot just 6 yards out.

Half time: Grimsby Town 1 Colchester United 0

The half ended with Onuora sliding across and blocking a clearance, taking a huge chunk of turf with him. He got up and carefully replaced this divot, to a huge round of applause. There will always be a job for you at Blundell Park, Groundskeeper Iffy.

Thank heavens for half time, a dreary, dull match enlivened by the effervescent Pontoon and a moment that will go down in history - Iffy McOnuora’s last goal in professional football. But the points were in the bag already. No matter how bad Town had been, Colchester sank further into the depths of footballing impotence. The top moment was surely when Brown threw the ball out to Vine, who nutmegged himself and allowed the ball to go straight out of play for a Town throw in about 25 yards out.

Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk

"Your pastry’s flaking all over me".
"How come they are above us when they can barely stand up?".
"They’ve got A Gerken amongst the subs. Any other pickles?".
"Why does Groves clap when the crowd ask him to wave?".
"Iffy’s poetry in motion, isn’t he"

The report continues in the Second Half.

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