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13/03 Bournemouth Part 2

By: Tony Butcher
Date: 14/03/2004

TOWN were looking a little ragged, especially in midfield where there were several instances of friendly fire, mostly involving Barnard. Yes, the dashing dragon just kept colliding with his team-mates, such was his puppy dog enthusiasm to get the ball. He doesn’t need toilet training though.

Home > 2003-2004 Season > Reports > Bournemouth (h)

Grimsby Town 1 Bournemouth 1
13 Mar 2004, Nationwide League Division 2

Hang on a bit, what’s going on up there? No, nothing, just what the desperate would call a Town attack. Was that a pass? Mmmmm, go on then, I’ll credit that as a pass, followed by another pass.

Getting the drift? The game did, drift I mean. How long gone? Urgh, only 10 minutes. This is going to be torture. Wahey! Town attacked down the right with a low cross followed by nabbings and stabbings at the ball as it bumbled about in the middle of the Bournemouth penalty area. Players ran after the ball in packs; bring on that Benny Hill music. It was like watching those half time kids game, but without the tactical acumen and dazzling ball skills. As the ball skipped gaily about, someone spotted Campbell, a unique feat I’m sure you’ll agree, alone on the right side of the penalty area. And they passed the ball to him. Campbell took a stride and crossed into the heart of the box. ROWAN slid forward and poked the ball into the middle of the goal from about 8 yards out. He got up apologetically, one arm in air, looking at the linesman, expecting the flag to be raised. It wasn’t, Town had jammed a lead with their first attempt at goal. Oh how we laughed.

Bournemouth’s response was to run around a bit quicker. A minute after the goal they were given a free kick about 20 yards out on the Town left. Given is the right word to use, as the referee began to ruin a terrible game. Some bloke took the free kick and it didn’t go in. There you are, basic facts, all you really need to know. The detail was a bit disconcerting. Fettis hopped about pointing left and right, bellowing out for the inhabitants of the wall to stand together. There was a big gap at the end of the wall with Fettis standing on the right of the gaol. The shot skimmed through the gap and curled across the face of the left post and ruffled the netting.

Welcome to the Trevor Parks show. Jevons miss-controlled the ball and Maher slid forward and whipped the ball away. Result: a booking for Maher. Oh we laughed in the Pontoon. Then we howled. Thorrington made two fantastic sliding tackles to dispossess blue clad Cherries on the right. The referee managed to interpret the second as a foul and, even worse, booked Thorrington. Rowan was booked for persistent failure to touch the ball, Armstrong was booked for a full on meaty tackle which was slightly late, but only slightly. The referee blew his whistle, awarded Bournemouth a free kick and then played advantage(!). Rowan was pushed over , off the ball, right in front of the managers dug outs. Parks had a quiet word with the culprit a minute later. He was just terrible Muriel. The Pontoon were even baying their disapproval when he gave free kicks to Town. And the linesman running the Town defence was superbly inept. He kept giving Bournemouth offside purely for having possession within 35 yards of goal, or was it for walking on the cracks in the pavement?

All this meant that a scrappy-dappy game was made even worse with arbitrary decisions stopping what little flow there was. Not to mention the swirling wind that occasionally whipped itself up, the driving rain that swept down the pitch at irregular intervals, and that neither side were any good. So far we’ve had a goal and two shots. Not very good is it? Well, there wasn’t much more to describe. Hayter squirmed free inside the Town penalty area on the right. He hit the bye-line and dribbled a cross into the 6 yards box. Armstrong thumped the ball clear for a corner, or it may have been Warhurst, or someone else. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Youngyellow card
Armstrongyellow card
Thorringtonyellow card
Campbellyellow card
Rowangoalyellow card


Hockless82 mins
Hamilton58 mins
Mansaram76 mins


Trevor Parkes


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Another fair haired Bournemouthite hit a low shot from outside the area which drumbled through to Fettis, with Feeney attempting to slide across and divert the ball into the bottom left corner. Edwards slid too, both missed, Fettis didn’t. Nothing to get hung up about. Near the end Feeney, inside the penalty area on the deep right, spectacularly dived over a clump of dirt as Young swiped the ball out for a throw in. A rubbish dive, no penalty given, but no yellow card either which, in context, was another rubbish bit of reffing.

Town? Now Town did sometimes move forward, though there was absolutely no creativity at all, the "chances" were all on breakaways. Rowan bundled down the left and crossed low through the middle of the penalty area. Thorrington hurtled in and just missed the ball . A little later, or perhaps a little earlier (does it matter?), Campbell dimpled the ball down the right and Thorrington hared off, off and away, towards the penalty area, crossing low. Jevons slid, a defender slod, the goalkeeper slud, and the ball carried on towards the corner flag. Coldicott wampled a Poutonian shot high over the bar, higher over the scoreboard. The ball bombled along the top of the Osmond Stand, within a foot or two of the top of the roof, then careered down the corrugated shack and got stuck under the adverts. Now that was a highlight of the half. I think another Town player had a shot, which may have sliced across the face of goal from left to right. I may have dreamt it, or perhaps it was a nightmare. There were no ladders or dancing elves, so perhaps it really did happen.

Half time: Grimsby Town 1 Bournemouth 0

You know, I’ve told you everything that happened in this half. It was awful, awful stuff. Town defence was more solid (hurrah), but at the price of many other things. The nominal full backs did advance a lot, they did try, especially Edwards, but they are centre backs, aren’t they. Much of the time they did that defending thing," if in doubt get it out". They did, but the ball kept going straight back to Bournemouth. The gruesome twosome upfront hardly touched the ball, and if they did the referee kept giving free kicks to the Cherry blue and apple blossom white visitors. The midfield was a cultural desert and, for great chunks of the half, seemed to consist of Coldicott and Barnard only.

Oh, I missed out Bournemouth’s offside goal. It was offside.

Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk

"When are we going to be Town again?".
"There’ll be more bookings than shots in this game".
"That’s not modern art it’s a fruit bowl".
"We’re winning and we haven’t had a shot".
"Warhurst looks like he knows what he’s doing. He can’t do, he’s here"

The report continues in the Second Half.

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