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10/04 QPR Part 2

By: Tony Butcher
Date: 11/04/2004

AFTER about 10 minutes Lawrence, who had been a big presence, smashing into Bircham at will, slid to challenge two QPR payers on the half way line. The second Hoopster missed the ball and made very firm contact with most parts of Lawrence’s legs.

Home > 2003-2004 Season > Reports > QPR (a)


Queens Park Rangers 3 Grimsby Town 0
10 Apr 2004, Nationwide League Division 2

Even as they slid it looked like one of them was about to get very injured. Unlucky for Town it was Lawrence who never moved, remaining motionless for three or so minutes and being levered off on a stretcher (top). During this long, long pause Coldicott and Bolder were running up and down the touchline, warming up. Law eventually looked toward them and made a gesture unseen by both, as their backs were turned. Lawrence was carted off and still no Town player was ready to come on. Only after the dear departed Jamie was down the tunnel being stitched up did Coldicott rip off his tracksuit. Law displayed little urgency in dealing with the disaster. As Town trundled along with ten men, Furlong curled a low shot from about 20 yards out a few feet wide of Fettis’ left hand post. Hey why bother, it’s not as though Town have anything to play for in the dog days of his dreadful season.

Coldicott’s first touch was to rip off the right leg of Bircham in a fantastic swooping, lunging chunky challenge. He’s back and he hasn’t been fed for days.

On the quarter hour Rowan was sliced in two when Edghill raced up and thwacked him in the gullivers. After a couple of minutes of treatment Rowan continued with a falsetto limp. And a few minutes later Anderson was decapitated by Bircham. The ball bounced and Anderson leapt up to head the ball meeting a local boot on its way down. Got the drift yet? It was a big fight between two teams who had forgotten what to do with that round plastic thing that was thrown into the ring by the weirdo in green. More on him after the commercial break.

The mind drifts in such times and the Town fans became fascinated by the QPR substitutes, especially Thorpe, who kept walking on to the pitch. And by the perambulating pigeon, who was being chased down the touchline by Thorpe. Like Dick Dastardly, he didn’t catch the pigeon. Up in the stands the sombrero man was back, this time wearing a felt half football, half table mat and waggling a Billy the Bass at the Town fans. He’d invented a thingamabob, but he should still lose his job as resident funnyman. You have to feel pity for someone who spends so much time and effort setting up a crazy comedy moment. For us to laugh at, not with. And his little trumpet barped rather than blared, like a cheap Christmas hooter.

Furlong, on bended knee, pleaded with the linesman for a free-kick, but was dismissed with a finger to the lips and a slow wafting of hand from side to side, like he thought Furlong ponged mightily. It was the best decision by that linesman all afternoon. He was terrible Muriel.

Back to the pitch, 22 minutes gone, Town attack. Town had a corner on the right which was lofted beyond the far post. Anderson caught a breeze and rose, rose, rose above all to head firmly into the ground. Camp Lee flapped the ball away from underneath the crossbar in a surprising "ooh" moment. Crane kneed the corner away from the QPR goal, earning Town a throw in 30 yards out. Confused? You should be. A few minutes later Crane fell asleep and allowed Furlong to drift free 20 yards out right in the centre as QPR prodded about on their left. Gallen rolled the ball into Furlong who turned and was forced to veer away from goal as Edwards dropped down a gear, effortlessly gliding across, overtaking those caravaners on their way to Mablethorpe. Furlong took two touches and hooked a shot through Edwards’ legs, the ball bouncing twice as it missed the left hand post by seven and a half inches.

Settle down, you can snooze for another five minutes.

Craneyellow card
Antoine-Curieryellow card


Warhurst82 mins
Coldicott15 mins
Thorrington45 mins


Mike Thorpe


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Oi, wake up! Town are attacking. Just like old times, whatever they are. Last week? Last month? November? Anderson on the right probed and crossed, QPR half cleared but Coldicott used his personality and charm to persuade the Rangers defenders to return his property. They did. He passed the parcel to Antoine-Curier, who played a little chanson d‘amour on his accordion before flicking the ball infield to Jevons, who hit a terrific first time shot which stripped away a few hairs from Camp Lee’s head as it missed the angle of post and bar by a few centimetres. Where do we go from here? Nowhere, it wasn’t a fantastic day. Town didn’t do anything worth mentioning after this.

As the half meandered towards half time the homeboys began to press Town back. Ainsworth began to work off those extra pounds. Furlong was a right pest and managed to shoot on target, twisting and hooking a shot straight at Fettis from around the penalty spot after some flicks and tricks by Ainsworth and Gallen. But, to all the world except Town fans, it looked like a stone bonker 0-0. Both sides were degrees of poor, by their own standards, if it be possible to define a Town standard this year. Gallen was booked for diving over Ford and Coldicott, looking for a penalty. He was probably booked for stupidity - not only was he way outside the box but he would have been free in a very dangerous position. Crowe tried to break the tedium with a comic cut, chesting a long cross back, not to Fettis as he believed, but right into the path of Furlong 8 yards out. Crowe turned on the turbo boost and rescued himself from ignominy. Something to do, I suppose. Crosses looped through the area, unimpeded by hooped heads. Cureton managed to thigh one wide and high, but apart from that Rangers bodies were absent from the penalty area.

QPR fans amused themselves with ref taunting, baying at his correct decisions and laughing at the compensating rubbishness that followed. With about three minutes left to halftime (ignoring the 3 hours of additional time required for all the injuries) Crowe challenged Ainsworth way out on the left, about 35 yards out. The ref and linesman managed to persuade themselves that this was a foul, the foul play being, presumably, that Crowe had volleyed the ball clear without touching Ainsworth. As the players prepared the inevitable lump into the box Ainsworth flung out his left arm, bashing Jevons in the face. Oh, just ignore that eh? The ball sailed goalwards as Fettis took a couple of steps out of his goal and Ainsworth jumped into, and at, the giant gnome. Fettis dropped the ball as Ainsworth slobbered near him. A couple of QPR players dashed forward and FURLONG poked the ball in from somewhere near the penalty spot. Around 14,000 people were happy, with a small knot of fury swamped by the general delirium. The Town players pursued the referee, who didn’t give a fig.

Nothing else happened in the half, except that Antoine-Curier got booked for dissent. Perhaps the black and white knight was talking backwards, making the green knave go off his head? So there you are, typical Town eh? Rubbish game, should be 0-0, but something daft happens. Armstrong looked most uncomfortable in midfield, being rarely near the ball and when he was he was a ducking stool, lifting this leg up and wafting the ball high and hopelessly long. Coldicott did the work of two, possibly three, men whilst the back four were relatively untroubled. Forget about the "strikers" - two little boys, each had a wooden horse. Antoine-Curier needs a couple of seconds for the instructions to be sent from head to legs. Either they get lost in translation or he’s not on broadband yet. Rowan started adequately but ran out of steam and strength after he’d been poleaxed. It was like playing with nine men really.

Half time: Queens Park Rangers 1 Grimsby Town 0

The second half was bound to be an exercise in futility, the only hope being that QPR would get themselves into a nervous tizzy and score a few own goals.

Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk

"There’s a man with a Kenny’s Greatest Hits CD over there."
"Apart form Stace they’re all jogging."
"I got more entertainment watching my dad mend the guttering yesterday."
"These are Premiership toilets. Look, they have lagging!"
"Would you say you were egregious?"

The report continues in the Second Half.

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