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The Worst Team Ever!

By: Gill McIlveen
Date: 28/04/2004

I have seen some truly dreadful Town teams over the past few years. There are several contenders for the most dreadful of them all.

Home > Features > 2004 Features > The Worst Team Ever

I guess that the 30+ players Lyons used in 86-7 in an attempt to reach the play-offs (we finished one from the bottom) is right up there, as is the hastily assembled buffoonery that followed them a year later.

With a semi-regular called Slack, we were almost bound to finish where we did (third from bottom). Statistically, though, the worst ever was the 68-9 vintage. One above Bradford Park Avenue, and 91st in the football league was dire, and followed a relegation from (the old) division three a year earlier.

But if you look at the players that turned out for the Town in 68-9, you'll find at least some that feature in those 'my favourites' that guests provide for the programme. For older readers, players like Wainman, Worthington, Hickman, Rathbone, Boylen, Oates, and Brace, are legend.

Younger readers may have been irritated by the pre-match antics of Boylen but, to lapse into Ronglish, I'll tell you what, he was some player. Brace? McMenemy suggested he could 'catch pigeons'. Don't know about that, but he could score goals and supply crosses, even in a team that finished 91st in the league.

Wainman? Best goalie in the lower divisions for a long time. Rathbone? Lunatic - once got into a fight with a Scunny player, and was a victim of the lengthiest ban then to be given to a professional footballer. And even then, I'll wager that the home gate in 68-9 was higher than that the current team are getting.

And my point is? Not only were all of the above fit to wear the black and white stripes, but they wanted to play for the Town. Boylen, evidently, still wants to (stick him at left back - nobody will notice the difference). Wainman was a Hully Gully but chose to stay in the town, opened a successful sports shop, and then a hotel.

The others (see, for example, interviews with Stuart Brace) remember our town with affection and pride. Now, compare the 68-9 vintage with the current squad. Bearing in mind that we had to apply for re-election to the football league in 1968-9, it would take a very special bunch of no-hopers to take the mantle of the most dreadful Town team ever.

What you, dear reader, having been watching, or following over the internet, is quite simply the worst bunch of players that have ever worn black and white stripes. The absolute worst. The most dreadful. The most shameful. The most gutless. The most talentless. A team that is worse than the team that once finished 91st in the football league (enough of the 91st thing).

They are nothing but a bunch of overpaid (even on our wage structure), couldn't care less, ne'er do wells that ever walked the planet earth. They care for nothing other than their salary. I'll bet that some of them don't even know the predicament we're in.

These are not merely the ramblings of yet another disillusioned Town supporter, for I have some interest in squad selection. As the father of the squad member whose kit is sponsored by the Fishy, I have to go to the Brentford game to see an under-used player hand over his shirt to his sponsors, (unless he steals my car and drives himself up there, which he is welcome to do).

I think that the fans have done enough to try and keep the club going (as have the board), and that now might be the time for the players to show the same level of commitment. I won't get the opportunity, but I'd love to tell these wasters face-to-face what I think of them.

Stick this on the wall of the dressing room, Law, you tactically useless heap of crap. Your players are rubbish and don't deserve to be called professional footballers.

Play the 11-year-old against Brentford. He won't do any worse than the crap you select every week. And unlike your monkey defenders, the 11-year-old is mature enough not to get a yellow or red card. He could be playing for Norwich City, and they're in the premier league, not the f****** (censored) third division. And he's taller (and better) than Rowan.

STICK THIS ON THE DRESSING ROOM WALL, LAW (and hope your monkeys can read).

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