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Who's A Pretty Boy Then?

By: Fenland Seadog
Date: 02/06/2004

Fenland Seadog takes a light hearted look at the appointment of the new manager. (With apologies to Monty Python.) The characters in this article bear no resemblance to any living person. Oops! Except one perhaps!

Home > Features > 2004 Features > Who's A Pretty Boy Then?


Peter Furneaux enters the Directors Box at Scarborough FC.

Mr Furneaux: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint about this Manager what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

Mr. Reynolds: "Oh yes, the, uh, Russell, er, er, Russell Slade...What's, uh...What's wrong with 'im?"

Mr Furneaux: "I'll tell you what's wrong with 'im, my lad. 'E's a dead loss, that's what's wrong with 'im!"

Mr. Reynolds: "No, no, 'E's uh,...he's resting."

Mr Furneaux: "Look, matey, I know a dead loss Manager when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

Mr. Reynolds: "No no he's not a dead loss, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable Manager, is Russell, aye? Beautiful plumage!" (slaps Slade on the head)

Mr Furneaux: "All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the Dugout) 'Ello, Mister Russell Slade! I've got a lovely fresh Cod Head for you if you show up at…..." (Mr. Reynolds secretly shakes the Dugout)

Mr. Reynolds: "There, he moved!"

Mr Furneaux: "No, he didn't, that was you hitting the Dugout!"

Mr. Reynolds: "I never did anything"

Mr Furneaux: (yelling and hitting the Dugout repeatedly)" 'ELLO SLADE!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!" (Takes Slade out of the Dugout and slaps his head. Throws him up in the air in the six yard box and watches him plummet to the floor.)

Mr Furneaux: "Now that's what I call a dead loss manager."

Mr. Reynolds: "No, no, No, 'E's sulking!"

Mr Furneaux: "SULKING? "

Mr. Reynolds: "Yeah! You made him sulk, just as he was wakin' up! Slade sulks easily."

Mr Furneaux: "Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Manager is definitely a dead loss, and when I purchased him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that 'is total lack of management skill was due to 'im bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged cup run."

Mr. Reynolds: "Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Karl Rose."

Mr Furneaux: "PININ' for Karl Rose?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home to Grimsby?"

Mr. Reynolds: "Russell Slade prefers layin' on 'is back! Remarkable manager? Lovely plumage!" (slapping his head again)

Mr Furneaux: "Look, I took the liberty of examining that manager when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on his bench in the first place was that you had NAILED 'im there." (pause)

Mr. Reynolds: "Well, o'course he was nailed! If I hadn't nailed 'im down, he would have nuzzled up to those league clubs, bent 'em apart with 'is beak, and VOOM!"

Mr Furneaux: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this manager wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through 'im! 'E's bleedin' past it!"

Mr. Reynolds: "No! no! 'E's pinin!"

Mr Furneaux: " 'E's not pinin'! 'E's a dead loss! This manager is an 'as been! He has ceased to be effective! 'is contract negotiations are a sham and 'E's gone to meet 'is agent! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of man-management skills, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the bench 'e'd 'ave been off on job interviews already! 'Is footballing prowess is 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the sponge and bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is responsibilities, run down the playing staff and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile of ex-scarborough managers!! THIS IS AN EX-MANAGER!!" (pause)

Mr. Reynolds: "Well, I'd better replace him, then. (takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of managers……… "




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