Going Underground: QPR Report

Queens Park Rangers 3 Grimsby Town 0
10 Apr 2004, Nationwide League Division 2

The tannoy squeaked out a selection of bohemian beats, barely audible, barely identifiable. The Hee-Bee-Gee-Bees play Pink Floyd? And lose. Camped up Comfortably Numb bringing calls for Football Association sanctions for crimes against humanity.

Town warmed up as is now usual, with chaotically heartless games of one-touch shinball, whilst the gathering groaners tried to work out who was who, and who would play where. Those fortunate southern-based ancient Mariners hadn’t a clue, recognising one in three, and no-one winning the weekly prize for correctly placing the individuals in their allotted slots. A bit like Mr and Mrs: the jackpot just keeps on growing. Does that make Law Derek Batey?

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation, as shown. Ah, the same back four as last week, with Edwards and Tubbs Crane still together. But which Simon Ford would turn up? Was it to be the hookah smokin’ caterpillar that was given the call inside his head. Elsewhere, Armstrong for Coldicott brought gasps and incredulous gawps. Or perhaps Law had just given up on today, saving Private Stacy for the big one on Monday?

QPR warmed up down in the distance, the occasional fringe flapping. Padula’s Latin loafer straggle mullet, together with Harper’s bizarre scalp-hugging spiky black hat, was destined to for the substitutes’ bench. At least we had Bircham’s evil gremlin look in full view. Or perhaps it was a big wig and he’s really as bald as a Coldicoot.

But the big question was this: "Who has the biggest backside - Crane or Gallen?" You can phone a premium rate telephone number with your votes, though children should get the permission of their parents first. Now there’s Saturday night entertainment - Britain’s top 50 footballing backsides, hosted by Jonathan Ross. Another ratings winner.

1st half

Rangers kicked off towards the Town fans, passing back, left, right, then up field down the line for Town to head out for a throw in. Ah-ha, you see, that’s why they are near the top - they make the opposition knock it out of play within the first 10 seconds. Same outcome, different, more subtle, script.

After a couple of minutes of huffling and scuffling Crowe under hit a back pass across the face of goal, forcing Fettis to slap awkwardly downfield as two Rangers hovered menacingly. That was just about the only thing to keep us awake in the first 10 minutes. Men collided with men, Antoine-Curier fell over, Ford and Crowe kept controlling the ball out of play, Rangers kept passing the ball out of play. Actually, I fib, for Town had an effort on goal - a total and utter shock to everyone inside Loftus Road and totally out of character with the game. Anderson flibbled across the pitch and stroked a perfectly weighted pass over to Jevons on the left, who jinked, shimmied and dinked a loopy cross in to the centre of the penalty area. Rowan managed to out jump a defender and head a bit softly towards goal. Camp Lee, so dapper in powder blue, crumpled and seemed to parry the ball aside from somewhere near his ankles. There was a minor tussly scurry inside the six yards box and the ball eventually seeped aside and away.