The Barnet Blitz: Barnet Report

Barnet 0 Grimsby Town 1
27 Aug 2005, Coca Cola League 2

What lies beneath the tarpaulin?

Town lined up in the newly minted 4:4:1:1 formation, as shown. The substitutes were Croft, Gritton, Andrew, Barwick and Gliding Glen. Well, we wanted the 4:4 bit, let's compromise on the rest shall we. It was well worth those ACAS talks going on until after midnight. Urgh, but Ramsden at left back? Newey wandered lonely as a cloud at left midfield and Parkinson stood around in front of his Mcfulness on the right. Jones the Stick at centre back, Jones the Lump in the Teddy Sheringham role between the devilish Reddy and the deep blue-shirted sea of the Town midfield.

What's underneath the black plastic square pegged down inside the goal mouth? Is it a jungle trap, staves whittled from local oak to impale the unwary stopper? Is it a portal to another dimension where the mystery of Glen Downey has actually been solved? Or is it just a bit squishy?

Ah, the Who's greatest hits, good choice of tannoy music, you bet. Is it 1973? Yeah, but The Sweet? There is a line in the musical sand to be drawn.

Barnet? They ran out in a black kit with orange pin-stripes. Or was that piping? Or was it stitching? Who are you Barnet? Simon King, just back from photographing an auk in Orkney, no doubt; Mayor Rudolph Giuliano Grazioli. Ooh, we've heard of him. Sadly Duncan Norville and Margaro Gomis were nowhere to be seen. Not surprising, really, as Margaro Gomis were knocked out in the second round of the Intertoto Cup. New grounds, new teams, new players; it's all so confusing these days.

If we got bored we could just turn round and watch the cricket match going on behind us. The pitch looked a bit green - good for swing and seam. Swing those pants Micheal Reddy!

1st half

Barnet kicked off towards the Town support (to the left as you see it on television). The right arm spinner wasn't really turning it but was causing problems outside the off stump with his drift. The field was set deeply, so Whittle headed the ball away. It didn't look like a wide to me, but he's the umpire. Oh, the football. You know, this and that. Did I tell you Town were playing in blue? Town were playing in blue.

Barnet fizzed about in front of Town, Ravioli up front was a bundling pest, nipping in front of Jones and Whittle to barge and create space. Their midfielders swamped Kalalalalalalala, who started at a relaxed continental pace, resulting in black shirts flooding forward. Eek the cat, phone the RSPCA. Ah, John McDermott.

Don't forget Jones the Stick either.

Oops. A dink over the top, the ball dropping on the edge of the area. Whittle wide-eyed and legless; Grazioli an inch away as Mildenhall clutched the ball from his big toe. Sinclair finagled himself into the wide spaces between Town defence and midfield and danger loomed, but there was always a big woolly jumper to smother. Town sucked in, blown out as Barnet bellowed down the middle and out to the right. Macca here, Macca there, Macca everywhere blocking, Town rocking slightly, the ball pulled back and King, 20 yards out on their left, smurfed the ball safely wide of Mildenhall's right-hand post. Never close; it wooed the locals though.